Martin for sale
by AnnieVH
Summary: Regina Fitzgerald had a wonderfull idea to raise money for the Veterans: she'll sell her own son, of course!
1. Chapter 1

Martin for sale  
by Annie2000

RATED: T DISCLAIMER: WAT is not mine SUMMARY: Mrs. Fitzgerald has a lovely idea to raise money for the Veterans - she'll sell her son! Obviously!  
THANKS: for you, my reader! I thank you from the bottom of my heart!  
NOTES: as always, not suppose to be realistic nor loyal to the show, but it's suppose to be funny; it's like PWP (Porn Without Plot), except that, instead of Porn, it's CWP (Comedy Without Plot). It's just an excuse to make you laugh. I hope you enjoy reading it, because I sure enjoyed writting it.  
One more thing: I'm brazilian, so I'm sorry for my every gramar mistake. I did my best, I swear!  
ADVERTISING: you can also read my other fic When Martin forgets the cards...

REVIEWS ARE ALWAYS WELCOMED!!!

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PROLOGUE: Regina Fitzgerald's greatest idea ever

Of course the boys blamed Martin later, although they were never forced into that event. They didn't even had to ask "what's wrong, Martin?" when he walked in the bullpen with a grumpy expression that friday morning just to hear him complain: "To start with, I have mean, tricky parents."

"Oh, they're in town." Sam said, nodding her head, remembering Martin mumbling something about spending a hellish evening in the Country Club with Mr. and Mrs. Fitzgerald.

"Yes, they are, and we just had dinner last night. Wanna hear the news? They want to sell me."

Martin did not seem to catch the awkward moment of silence echoing between the glass walls and turned to his desk angerly as the girls and Danny stared at each other, waiting for an explanation. It did not come, so Elena leaned over a bit. "I'm sorry. Did you just say sell you?"

"Who'd sell you?" Vivian frowned.

"More to the point" Danny chuckled. "Who'd buy you?"

The other man ignore Danny's last comment - actually, he decided to ignore Danny at all - and faced the girls. "You know how politician wives work? Their lives go around charity; they're always organizing events to raise money for charity. Save the whales, feed the hungry, hug your special agent today..."

"Hug your special agent today?" Sam repeated.

Martin closed his eyes, painfully. "Please, don't make me go there, I can't afford therapy again. It was a White Collar thing."

"Well, you were saying politician wives and charity..." Elena tried to help, poking Danny so he'd stop laughing.

"My mother is the wife of a Deputy Director of the FBI - we all agree it means politician. Mommy Fitzgerald spends her awake hours being good with less fortunate people."

"What a good way to spend your time." Martin threw Vivian an impatient look. "That's not... good, that's bad... I'm just not sure why."

"She's organizing this event, this... 'Put a Roof Over the Veterans' or whatever event for the past four months, and it's going to happen tomorrow night. They'll have this wonderful, expensive dinner in their Country Club for high society people and all the money raised will reform the Veterans' Home in Washington."

"Wait, if it's in Washington, why are they having the dinner here?" Samantha asked, confused.

"Apparently, New Yorkers are better buyers, and they'll have an auction."

"Nice! What are they selling?"

"A boat, jewelery, trips to Europe, cars... and bachelors." And then he stared at the team, waiting for them to do the math. Danny needed to say it out loud to understand, as much to enjoy it.

"So, they'll sell bachelors."

"Yep." Martin nodded, crossing his arms and leaning back on his chair with an annoyed expression on his face.

"Like, have a dinner with your bachelor thing?"

"Expensive, fancy dinner at the Country Club sunday night. From eight to midnight."

"What if we stop eating sooner?"

"The bachelor is all yours for the rest of the night."

"And the woman can do whatever she wants?"

Carefully, Martin thought about that word, 'whatever' and it's meanings. They couldn't do whatever they want... but then again, there wouldn't be a contract saying 'you can't touch your bachelor'. "Virtually, yes, whatever they want. For four hours."

"Hm-hm..." Danny smirked, interested. "And you are going to be a precious iten at this auction, is that it?"

"No, apparently, I'm suppose to be there and be supportive with my mother's hard work. But obviously my father will come to me and say: 'Martin, son, we have a problem, and we need another bachelor, can you please sell yourself to old rich skanks?'."

"Oh, Martin, they just want you to be there for your mother."

"Viv, I know my parents." He said, emphatically. "They do this kind of stuff. How do you think I ended up hugging old ladies all day?" He sat up straight and said, with what was suppose to be - but was not at all - Victor Fitzgerald's voice: "Son, your mother needs another agent for the 'Hug your special agent today' event she worked so hard. Can't you be a little supportive, Martin?" and then he moaned and sank aginst his chair.

Samantha tried hard not to laugh as she said: "Martin, it's not a sure thing your father will do that to you. And even if he does so, it's for charity."

"Hey, they could donate the money themselves, they do not need the money my body could get them."

"Yeah, I mean, what can you buy with US$2,00 anyway?"

Martin reached out for his scissors and was already getting up to stab Danny on his eye when Vivian came in. "C'mon, Martin, Sam is right. They'll probably sell the other bachelors and none is going to notice you."

"But if they do need me, I'll be at the mercy of single women from the world capital of bachelorettes."

"Man has a point." Elena smiled, her voiced muffled by her hand, trying to repress a laugh.

"You know what you could do, Martin?" Danny suggested, with a kind voice. "You could give money to the girls and take them to the charity - the money you'd probably have to donate to support the cause anyway, since you're the organizer's son -, so, if they do call you, they can buy you, and everything is ok."

And than, Martin seemed to finally relax, realizing Danny just had the best idea ever. "Danny, that's good! Wait, are you inviting yourself next?"

"Of course I'm inviting myself! And if the girls have no money to buy you, and you end up with a rich old lady saying 'who's your mamma, Agent Fitzgerald? Who's your mamma?' I'm so going to laugh. But you're probably pretty cheap, so I don't see it happening."

"Charity is US$145,00." Martin said, coldly.

Danny just smiled. "It'll worth every cent."

Vivian was the firsth to say: "You know what, it does sound fun. Count on me."

"You're married." Martin said.

"I won't take you home if I buy you. It's just for the charity." After a short pause, where Martin gave another look, she added: "Ok, I'm hoping for the rich mamma. But I won't let her buy you, I promisse."

"I'm going to." Elena joinned. "Not only for the fun; they are probably selling hot young wealthy men, I mean, it is high society. What? Don't tell me it did not cross your mind."

Sam - who was staring Elena in shock - considered for a moment and then nod. "Point taken. I'm going to, but just to save your ass."

"Oh, you don't spend money with men." Danny smiled.

"No, I'm a blonde. It's the other way around."

The girls laughed and Martin moaned even louder. "Oh, great! My humiliation is now public!" He spread his arms and turned to face the other agents of the office. "Does anyone else wants to see me embarrassing myself saturday night? It's US$145,00 only!"

"Sure, why not?" Jack said, walking in.

"UGH!"

The boss followed his agent with his eyes as Martin walked away from the team, wich was laughing as loud as possible. He turned to hand Vivian a few files. "What did I miss?" 


	2. Chapter 2

SATURDAY NIGHT: Find a way to have fun!

"My God! I loved your dress!"

Danny rolled his eyes as the women started to talk about clothes. "Yeah, yeah, you're all dazzling! Lets go inside! You can save the girly talk for the bathroom."

Danny took Vivian by the arm and walked in, hoping Martin would take Elena or Sam to prevent the long 'oh, I loved your necklace, your mascara, your shoes, your everything' talk. Jack ended up taking Elena and Martin pulled Sam closer then she was expecting.

"If everyone sees me with a pretty woman, they'll probably think 'oh, he's not a bachelor' and won't save their money."

"Will you relax? This is suppose to be fun."

"Yeah, for Danny."

Sam thought about disagreeing, but decided that Martin was right. In front of them, Danny was smiling at everyone around, proudly showing Vivian for those who wanted to see. When he picked her up in her house, Marcus came to ask him to take good care of his wife - he liked Danny pretty much like a nephew and was not jealous of him; he even agreed Danny could spread around they were couple ("Sure! Shock high society! But don't take advantage of that, or else I'll kick your ass."). Danny and Vivian were even matching their clothes - red gala dress for her, dark suit with red tie for him.

"See how everybody is looking at us, honey?" He whispered to Vivian. "They know I have the hotest woman in this party."

"Clearly, pumpkin."

"Should I tell them it's probably because these guys are racist?" Jack asked Elena.

"You could do it, but you're walking in with a Puerto Rican, so you're not much better."

"Yeah, but you're younger then me."

"I heard that, Malone."

As Jack shut up - because Vivian wouldn't hesitate to kick his ass in public - Martin helped Sam to sit on her chair.

'So far, so good' Martin thought, as he found his own place. He got them a table right in front of the stage - one of the privileges of being the organizer's son - so the girls would be noticed as soon as possible in case they needed to buy him. Buy him. The more he thought about that, the worst he felt. Just the idea of being on a stage make him nauseous, to be on stage as a merchandising wouldn't help it. And with the whole team staring at him - Danny there, ready to point and laugh, Jack chuckling, the girls probably withholding the money a bit just to see him desperate.

"I got you US$350,00." he said, giving Sam the money.

"Thank you! But I really rather flowers."

"It's for me! For you to buy me! These woman have a lot of cash, but the average sum for a man my age would be US$400,00, so be nice and give some money to the veterans, will you?"

"Martin, calm down." Jack said, amused. "They'll probably not even notice you."

"Ok, why is he here again?" Martin asked, not willing to make a fool of himself in front of his boss.

"I'm divorced, my children live in Chicago and I'm bored. Do the math."

"There will be bachelorettes?" Danny asked, thinking he could easely have a good sight of a woman on stage from that position.

"You were not like that when I married you." Vivian chuckled.

"No, there won't be, and even if there would, you wouldn't buy them because you'll keep your money for me."

"Uhn, Martin, you are a really sexy guy, but you're not my type."

Tired of Danny's actitude, Martin snapped: "Ok, firsth of all, you wish!" Danny rolled his eyes. "Second, quit the jokes, you're not helping. And third, that's in case Sam runs out of money."

"Wow" Jack said, tapping his fingers on the table. "He sure thinks a lot of himself."

"I do not think I worth more, I'm just being cautious. Do you want to see me walking out of here with an old skan-- Oh, please, you're hoping for this!"

"Don't worry, Martin" Jack said, nicely, still not denying Martin's old skank theory. "You won't be expensive, everything is going to be ok."

For a second, Jack and Danny seemed to calm down, but then the younger agent was already poking again: "What if none wants to pay for him?"

Martin sighed and turned to face Danny angerly, as Jack kept the conversation going. "What? And he just stands up there, waiting for simpathy money? That'd be so sad."

"Yeah, I mean, he was thinner once."

"Wha- You know what? I'm not getting into this."

"No, no, no" Danny continued, friendly. "I just want to know, in that case, should we just wait for them to give up or should we offer US$100,00 or so, just so you won't look bad?"

"Sugar, quit being mean with Martin, he's nervous."

"Ok, my little cup of sugar mocha latte. I love you." Danny answer to Vivian with a baby voice.

"Oh, I love you." she said, with the same voice, and gave him a look so sweet that Martin gasped.

"Man, I was nauseous about the stage. Now I'm not so sure anymore."

Sam waited a moment before asking, casually so she wouldn't sound offensive: "In case none tries to buy you... want me to give them the US$100,00?"

Making a mocking noise with his throat, Martin did not answer... at firsth. "Make it two. I mean, it's for charity."

"Hm-hm..." Jack smirked.

"It is!!"

"Oh, look, it's starting." Elena smiled, watching a woman in her 50's dressed in a very expensive gala walk on the stage to the pulpit.

The woman presented herself as Audrey Lawson, one of the organizers of the event, and gave the whole room a 30 minutes speach about everybody's hard work, and how the money was going to be used, and... something else none caught because they fell asleep with their eyes open. She ended up thanking Regina Fitzgerald for her four months spent on that evening, and that's when Martin's mother walked in; a very elegant blonde in a black dress and a lovely smile - gladly, she seemed to get everyone's dullness, because she was as brief as she could. For Martin's despair, however, she noticed him very quickly and said "hi, baby" with her lips while everyone was applauding her words.

"Give it five minutes and daddy wil be coming to our table." he informed his friends.

Regina proceeded: "Well, I know the most precious itens of the nights are not the two boats Mr. Andrews donated so kindly, nor the jewelery my dear friend Audrey Lawson brought us tonight." There was a few applauses for the donations, as Regina was expecting. "I know you all, my dear ladies, are longing for our bachelors." Louder applauses, as Regina was hoping for - that night was going to be great! "We have twenty lovely men who volunteered for our auction - we even have seven veterans waiting for your money and, no ofense to my husband, Victor, but I'm so jealous of you, ladies, tonight is your lucky night!"

"Oh, boy..." Martin trembled as everyone else laughed and applauded once more.

Sam leaned over him. "What's wrong?"

"Old veterans means old ladies." He turned to the back of the room and felt his body shrinking. "Oh, my God, there they are."

Danny stared at the cute little ladies near the wall, partially covered by the shadows. "Some of them look hot. And I bet they are good listeners when their hearing aids are charged."

Martin told Danny to shut up as Regina explained: "Now, we'll have our firsth ten bachelors, and then I'll call a little break for our delicious dinner. Ladies, do you have your money ready? Then, please..." and she held high and proudly a tiny hammer ", can the bachelor number one walk in?"

It was not at all unpleasent for the boys to see as they feared. Jack thought he'd have to be stuck in the middle of screaming women, watching 25-year-old men coming and going the whole night, but the firsth bachelor sure made him feel younger: a 72-year-old veteran with huge glasses and an impeccable military uniform. Well, the man was not at all bad looking for his age and the women probably thought he looked elegant in his uniform, because as soon as Regina announced: "Lets start it with fifty!" One of the ladies in the back offered 60 dollars. Sam offered 70 to be nice - and was reliefed someone else raised it to 75, because the man gave her a pretty suggestive look. The iten was sold for US$ 83,00 and Martin sighed, reliefed, when he saw the man walking towards one of the old ladies; each woman could only buy one bachelor.

The second bachelor was a pretty atractive 55-year-old lawyer, and Elena made a quick movement sugesting she was going to outbid, but she thought better. "I'll keep myself for someone younger" she explained. Martin would have asked her to keep her money to save his ass, but he was too busy trying to find a way to get out of the salon. Window was too high, door had securities, bathroom was too obvious.

By the time the fifth iten walked in, Regina had already US$ 900,00. That was the second veteran - which did not hesitate to take off his jacket when one of the ladies asked to see some flesh. Jack laughed as hard as he could when the old guy threw his shirt to Elena, along with a kiss. "Man, if you don't buy him, Elena, I will!"

"He does have a sense of humour. US$ 85,00!" but, gladly, someone else took the elderly - and he was worth 110 dollars. Danny and Vivian kept fooling around as the show went on: "Will you love me when I'm like that, sugar?" "Only if you're that hot, gorgeous."

And then the tenth bachelor walked in.

"Mr. Eric O'Neil, 42, 6'00'', completely single." Regina was announcing, with a smile. "He's a spanish professor in UCLA and came here just for..."

"ONE HUNDRED!"

Martin looked up to Elena, who was holding her hand up high. "Oh, c'mon, he's not that cute..."

"ONE FIFTY!" yelled someone else, a few tables behind.

"TWO HUNDRED!"

"Oh, ladies!" Regina asked, enjoying the situation. "Behave yourselves! I have two hundred..."

"250!!"

Danny rolled his eyes. "Elena, please, show a little..."

"270!"

"What?! You're suppose to be my fake wife!!"

Vivian didn't even turn to lok at Danny. "I'm finding myself a fake lover, deal with it."

"I'm so leaving you! I want a fake lawyer right now!"

"300!"

"Oh, please!" Martin said, not even noticing Sam chewing her lips and playing with her necklace, trying to controle herself. "Can these women have less proud?"

"350!"

"THAT'S MY MONEY!"

Sam covered her mouth. "I can't help it! I wanna help the elderlies! 400!"

"You have to wait for someone else to outbid!! My God!!"

Elena was already offering 500. Sam seemed ready to jump and offer 600, but Martin held her down. "NO WAY!! You're buying me! And that's the end!"

"And 600 one, 600 two, 600 three." Regina hit with her tiny hammer as Martin held Samantha down - what was getting really hard to do. "Sold for the lady in the golden dress."

The bachelor smiled at Elena and she felt herself melting away. "Oww... I love you, Martin! Thank you for bringing me here!"

"You're mean! I could have bought him!" Sam snapped.

"Yeah, with my money!"

"I'm 34, divorced and childless! Do you think I care?!"

Jack poked Martin. "He really wasn't that hot."

"Thank you!"

"Argh, men." Elena and Sam nodded along with Vivian.

"Ok, that's it, Vivian, I'm taking the fake kids with me."

"And will you two knock it off?!" Jack said. "You're not really married!!"

"My bachelor is coming! How do I look, Samantha?"

Sam stared at her in disbelief. "Kidding? You just got the hottie from me."

"C'mon, maybe he has a brother."

"You look lovely, go for it."

"Thank you." Elena got up to recieve Eric with open arms. "And, by the way, your daddy is comming, Martin." 


	3. Chapter 3

BACKSTAGE: Meet the Fitzies

As Victor Fitzgerald came closer, Martin started to pray. "Hey, Jack" smiled the older man, and they shook hands. "Didn't expect to see you here."

"Oh, well, Martin dragged us here, you can say."

"No kidding." He stepped closer to his son to shake his hand.

Maritn sighed. "Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to be supportive with mom's work. Remember Agent Spade?" he added quickly so his father wouldn't take the chance and say 'talking about being supportive...'.

"Of course, Agent Spade! How are you? Making high outbids?"

Samantha threw Martin a sharp look. "Well, trying to."

"I've seen the other bachelors, you did good saving yourself for the second round. Agent Johnson." Victor shook hands with Vivian. "It's so nice to see you again."

"Mr. Deputy Director."

"Is your husband with you?"

"No, but I'm her fake new ex-husband." Danny smiled, and Martin had to sigh at his lack of good sense. "Special Agent Taylor."

"We are, uhn..." Vivian stammed, trying to find a way to explain herself, but the Deputy Director just shook his head.

"Don't have to explain a thing, Mrs. Johnson; Martin and his sisters used to play the fake couple all the time..."

"DAD!" Martin yelled, blushing, as the team frowned and stared at him. "Please!"

"What? You used to..."

"Don't you have an event to help mom with?" he snapped in a whisper.

"Oh, yes, of course. In fact, Martin, could you come with me backstage for a minute?"

"Obviously!!" he said, raising his arms in surrender.

Victor passed an arm around his son's shoulders - probably to prevent him to run away - and started to drag him along. However, a second later, he turned towards the table once more. "Actually..." he stopped to think better. His head moved from up to down as he analysed the other two males at the table. Then, he seemed to make a decision. "Actually, could you and Agent Taylor join us, Jack? Please?"

Not waiting for an answer, just walking away and assuming the two agents would follow him around, Victor Fitzgerald kept going his way throw the tables to a door that would lead them backstage. Danny raised his eyebrows and turned to find Jack wrinkleing his face. "Do you also have a baaaad..."

"Oh, yeah."

"Ok, good."

Still - ignoring instincts that would have made them run away under any other situation, under anyone else's orders but the Deputy Director of the FBI - they started to dodge their way through the tables. Elena had find herself a chair near a window and was sharing a drink with her new purchase.

"To give up US$ 600,00 for a total stranger. You must think I'm desperate."

"Actually, I think you were pretty sweet to give away all this money for such a noble cause" the bachelor was saying, fascinated.

Elena blushed. "Oh, well, it's all for the kids."

"Veterans." Danny said, coldly, as they walked by.

Elena tried to keep her smile. "I believe we're all children in the inside."

"What a beautiful way to think." And Eric gave her one more charming smile before stepping closer.

Jack closed the door behind him. "Should we tell Martin he can't count on Elena's money, nor attention?"

"Jack, Danny, please?" they heard Martin's voice calling. And then pleading. "I mean it, please!"

Victor waited for them all to gather near him. "I don't know how to say that..."

"Let me guess, you're in need of a new bachelor?" Martin guessed, with an upset voice. "Will you start the emotional blackmail right now or will you save it 'til I try to say 'no way I'm doing it'?"

"If it wasn't true, I'd say you're such a drama king, Martin." Victor complained, with a firm voice. Then, he seemed to calm. "But that is true, and your mother needs you to be purchased. And, how can I say this? Not only you."

Suddenly, Danny found himself trying to find a way out of that place. Jack was already considering leaving a whole in the shape of a Jack Malone on that wall. And Victor concluded his request. "The thing is, we have three missing bachelors."

Martin's chin fell and that night, all of a sudden, did not seem like such a bad idea anymore.

"Please, tell me you want us to find them." Jack pleaded.

Victor blinked slowly. "I was more hoping you'd take their places."

"I was fearing you'd say something like that."

"What happenned?" Danny asked, ignoring Martin's revengeful eyes.

"Well, one of the bachelors got himself a girlfriend this morning, another one just woke up in Las Vegas married to a... well, a friend. A male friend." Victor's face stired a bit. There was some things he just couldn't understand. "And the eigth veteran, uhn, he's old and... he's gone."

"I don't think you mean 'gone to Maine' or 'gone to a better Veterans Home'."

Assuring himself he needed that man, Victor tolerated Jack's sarcasm. "No, he's gone. He's pretty much gone for good. And Regina already announced 20 men. So, we need three straight single men to help making this night the sucessful my wife planned for the past fours months."

"And if we don't you have the power to... I dunno, fire us?" Jack challenged.

Victor sighed, impatiently. "I wouldn't use my job to blackmail three agents under me just so my wife's hard work is not thrown away."

"Firsth sign of emotional blackmail comming closer!"

"Martin, please, you're not only an agent, you're my son. And you're her son. The woman carried you..."

"Yeah, yeah, nine months in her belly, then the so many years of love, and then the money and sacrifices to put me in college, yada, yada, yada. The usual thing. I'll do it! I'll do it!"

Victor smiled; he knew sooner or later Martin would gave up to exhaustion. Maybe he should try to set him up with some girls from the country club again? He'd talk to Regina about that.

"Well!" Jack clapped his hands together. "You won't fire me, your wife did not carried me around for nine months, and the only consequence of walking away from here would, therefore, be you liking me no longer. Since you never even tried to to began with, I'm not losing much."

"And I'd like to help but, uhn, I'm shy."

Martin gasped so he wouldn't laugh at Danny's hypocrisy. "Yeah, you're blushing all over, Danny Boy."

"So, summarizing, you won't help." Victor concluded, not at all pleased.

"Thank you for being so understanding. But we will outbid for the boats."

"No offense to you, Martin." Danny added, ready to turn and leave.

Martin watched disappointed the two men trying to leave; for one moment, he actually thought he wasn't going to have Jack and Danny to point and laugh in the crowd. But then they were stopped by a sweet voice.

"Baby!"

"Oh, fantastic!" Martin's head sank into his hand. Victor blew him with his elbow, in a silent order for his son to get straight. "Hey, mom."

"Honey, you look gorgeous." Regina gave her son a tight hug.

"Thank you. You know my colegues, Jack Malone and Danny Taylor."

"Jack." She reached out for his hand.

"Regina. Night is lovely, congratualations."

Danny lowed his head in respect. "Mrs. Fitzgerald."

"Jack and Taylor were just volunteering for the auction." Victor said, with a warm smile to his wife.

"WHAT?!" Danny and Jack yelled, eye wide openned, as Regina sighed in relief.

"Oh, thank God! I was so scared night was going to be a disaster! I can't believe we missed three of the men!"

"Hey, you know what?" Danny offered, nicely. "We're the Missing Person Unit, we can find them if you want!"

"Yeah! We can! But the firsth 24h are very important! So we better start..."

Regina laughed out loud and Martin shook his head - poor Jack and Danny, so naive to think they could just scape from Regina Fitzgerald like that. "You're both so funny. The women out there will go wild for you!"

"No, they're not, because..."

The auctioneer interrupted him. "Jack, I'm so glad you and your agent are helping us, seriously. That's such a lovely gesture of you. For one moment I thought 'oh, my, all the work I did for those lovely old men was pointless and they'll sleep on old, hard beds and eat porridge for the rest of their lifes, which will be short, once they can't afford good nurses and doctors'. However, thanks to you and charming Agent Taylor I have hopes. And they have hopes they'll live better lives after sacrificing everything they once had to make us and our children safer."

'My God! She's getting better and better every year!' Martin thought, finding Jack and Danny with blanked faces. Probably, they were frenetically searching for something to save them from that humiliation; something to say that would excuse them from that place without breaking that lovely lady's heart, without ruining her work, without looking bad. Well, the only way out would be yelling 'I'm gay!' as loud as possible - and both of them were too manly to do something like that.

Jack almost cried: "Everything for the veterans. I guess."

Regina looked at Danny with pround and happiness inside her eyes. "Don't you agree, Agent Taylor?"

"Oh, man!" he moaned.

"Perfect. Audrey!" she called, turning to recieve her friend, missing the killing looks Jack and Danny were giving her husband behind her backs. "Audrey, dear, you can enlist these gentlemen for the auction. Jack Malone 18#, Danny Taylor 19#, and Martin Fitzgerald 20#."

"Martin Fitzgerald." Audrey Lawson repeated. "Little Marty?"

"Oh, he grew up." And pulled a relutant Martin closer.

Audrey took a good look on the young man. "He sure did. I better save my money."

The two ladies laughed along with Victor. In any other day, Jack and Danny would have laughed too, but they just couldn't. Pretty soon, Audrey was pushing a piece of paper in their hands. "Please, fill this for us, my dears. Just a few informations. Name, age, jobs. Don't lie for us."

"Sure." Danny said, and then he felt a shiver coming down his spine as the older woman looked at him with hunger and a few things more he decided he did not want to decipher.

"You sure have a fantastic eye for men, Regina." And walked away.

"We'll have to eat our dinner right now, my dear. You can wait right there along with the other ones. I'll send a waiter to know what you'll want."

"Thank you for the support, guys." Victor said, taking his wife by her arms and walking away.

Martin sighed, tired. "My life is one step away from becoming a sitcom."

"And did you have to guest star us?!"

"Jack, please..."

"Remember me to hit your father next time we're in Washington."

Danny frowned his face. "She did know we were trying to drop out, didn't she?"

"Oh, yeah. With whom do you think my father learned his tricks?"

"I cannot believe this is actually happenning! I - just - can't!!!"

Martin smiled, revengeful. "Well, look who's not so funny anymore."

"Oh, please! Total different cases! You are both young and cute. What am I?"

"C'mon, Jack, that man was 55. He's eight years older then you and got sold for US$ 360,00."

"He's a millionaire, a tennis player and enjoys walks on the beach. I'm a grumpy overweight midlife man with two children to support. Who'd pay for that?!"

"Maybe there's a shrink out there waiting for you."

"You are so enjoying it, hun?" Jack said, and Martin nodded many times, with a large smile. "Well, you just wait, Agent Fitzgerald, because I'm seeing your future, and there's a lot of paperwork in it." 


	4. Chapter 4

JACK: You don't have to be young to be wanted

Elena came back to their table the same time Regina walked back on stage to start the second round. She sat near Samantha again and offered an empty chair to Eric. "Hey, where are the boys?"

"Martin was caught by his daddy, and is now probably freaking out backstage - can't believe I'm missing it. Victor Fitzgerald called Jack and Danny along, I'm not sure why; I'm thinking work or something like that. I wouldn't be surprise to find the two of them picking on Martin before he walks on stage."

"Our friends. And these are Samantha Spade and Vivian Johnson." Elena explained to Eric. Then, she turned to her friends with fascination inside her eyes. "Girls... this is Eric..."

"Goodnight, ladies. Will you buy your friend?"

"He asked us to try. He's kinda shy." Vivian said, hearing Regina's quick introdution in the back of her mind.

"And what about the other bachelors? Will you outbid for someone, Agent Spade?" Sam payed close attention to Eric's perfect teeths, matching well with the rest of his face.

"That depends. Do you have a brother?"

"In college."

She leaned back upset. "Then I guess I will."

But, in the end, nothing called Sam's attention. Four more veterans were sold and got a pretty good money - and Martin would be reliefed to see four more old ladies unable to buy him. After that, a doctor, a lawyer and a judge were taken - Sam actually offered Martin's money for the lawyer, but someone behind her doubled her offer and she gave up.

"You could outbid that." Elena said.

"Nah, it's just not worth US$ 800,00. Besides, she'd have offer more."

"Where the hell are the boys? They'll miss Martin's sale." Vivian said, looking around.

"I dunno. Maybe they got themselves a better place backstage..."

"... and our bachelor number 18: Jack Malone."

Elena spat her drink on Eric's shirt. Vivian turned her head so fast her neck snapped loudly. Samantha seemed lost for a moment, and then she verbalized what the three of them were thinking: "Did she just say 'Jack Malone'? Our Jack Malone?"

"If she did, I'm sorry I do not have a camera with me."

And Jack walked - ok, was pushed on stage by Danny and Martin.

"I won't do it! I won't do it!"

"C'mon, Jack! We agreed - we - would - do - it!" Martin struggled to keep his boss from running away.

"We did not agree a thing! We were forced into it!"

Danny joined Martin to prevent Jack from running as Regina was trying to sell bachelor number 17. "Boss, c'mon! You can't leave Martin and I at the mercy of old skanks!"

"Watch me!!"

"It's for charity!" Danny tried. Jack stopped struggling to get away, but only to stare at Danny. "Fine! But we're on this together! You, me and Martin here! We're a team now. If one of us is going down, the others will sink along. That's the firsth rule of being a team."

"Who the hell wrotte this stupid rule?!" Jack searched for Martin for support.

He shrugged. "Don't look at me! I didn't even know there were rules!"

"Please, Jack. Just think both of us will go through the same torture after you."

"... number 18: Jack Malone." Regina's voice was heard.

Danny and Martin grabbed his arms. "NO! No way!" Jack tried to cling to the ground with his feet, but he was just slided into stage.

"Just get this over with!!" Danny said, and gave a final push. As soon as Jack was out of sight, he turned to his friend. "We could run away, you know?"

"You and me? To where?"

"Mexico."

Martin raised his eyebrows. "What? Don't think is such a good idea?"

"Thinking is too close." He turned back his attention to Jack. "And he'd probably kill us monday morning."

"We don't have to go to work on monday."

"Then he'd surely kill us on tuesday."

The flash of a cellphone camera made Jack shiver. Ok, the girls had their picture, they'd never let him forget about that night - Elena, Vivian and Samantha were probably fighting tears of laughter, holding their lips together as hard as they could so no sound would come out of their mouths. Feeling his body shrinking and putting his hands inside his pockets so they wouldn't tremble, Jack walked a few stepps, analysing the dark room, imagining how that'd end. It couldn't end up ok.

"He's head supervisor in the Federal Bureau of Investigation, leading the Missing Persons' Unit. He is 47 years old, divorced with two lovely daughters that live in Chicago. He enjoys working and..." Regina turned the paper just to find out that was pretty much it. Well, time to be creative. "... and cooking."

"I wha...?!"

"That's right! Lets start with 50."

"51!" Samantha yelled, making Elena and Vivian laugh.

"C'mon, ladies, he deserves more then that."

"US$ 51,50!!" Vivian outbid. "I mean, since he cooks..."

Samantha and Elena finaly bursted into laughter and Jack found himself burning with anger.

"US$ 60,00!"

"70!"

Jack felt despair growing inside - he surely didn't wanna be bought by a stranger.

"C'mon, ladies!" Regina said. "Don't you know how much money FBI Agents make these days?"

"Niether does you, apparently." Jack mumbled.

"80!"

He gave the girls a pleading look. Vivian pretended she did not see. For Jack's desperation, the old ladies started their bets.

"85!"

"90!"

"95!"

"BINGO!!"

A few heads turned just to see an elderly partially covered by shadows being pulled back to her sit by her friend. "She meant 100."

"THAT DOES NOT COUNT!" Jack yelled.

Regina, however, ignored him. "I have one hundred. Mr. Malone here is scapping from you ladies. He's a hottie! Do I hear 110?"

"Show us some skin!!"

"YEAH!!!" Hollered the crowd.

"IN YOUR DREAMS!!"

"How bad is it?" Danny asked, trying to peek over Martin's shoulder.

"They want him to strip."

"Eew. Think he's gonna do it?"

"I'm praying he won't. We just ate."

Sam called Vivian between laughter. "Should we help him?"

"Nah, let him there for a few outbids more."

"What? So he can see it's not ok to pick on Martin?"

"Kidding? This is just for my personal amusement." Vivian smiled.

"Think I can start yelling 'take it off' and everyone will go along?" Elena whispered to Sam.

Sam smiled meanly. "Wanna find out?"

"Agent Malone, why don't you take off your jacket. The ladies will be pleased enough."

"YEAH!" Sam yelled, punching the table to get more noise. The women around the room followed her example.

However, Jack just gave the auctioneer a killing look, clear enough for her to quickly add: "Can you at least turn around?"

With impatient in his eyes and clearly reluctant, Jack turned himself around quickly, recieving whistles from the audience.

"Thank you. Do I hear 105 then?"

A woman raised her hand. "Thank you, dear. 110? Do I have 110?"

"C'mon, baby! Take it off for us!!"

Jack found Sam with his eyes - more paperwork for her too.

"NO - WAY!" He yelled.

The manly ways of that grumpy man must have interested a few women, because suddenly there were a lot of voices. 110! 120! 150! And, suddenly, Jack found himself worthing 200 dollars! And that's when one of the ladies got up. Someone about Regina's age, with too much jewelery; not bad looking, but with a hunger look on her face Jack did not like. She said, loud and clear: "250!"

And Regina cheered. "I have 250, ladies! 250 for my good friend Corine Robertson! Do I hear 260?"

Jack took a good look on that woman. Typical former trophy wife recently divorced looking for an escort to spend her money with. Those are the dangerous ones. Spend five minutes in their presence and they'll believe they own you forever.

"What about 255?"

He looked at Vivian once more. He spelled with his lips: 'please, I'll pay!'

"250 one!"

Vivian shook her head and spelled back: 'take it off'.

"250 two!"

Jack shook his head as hard as he could: 'save me right now!'. She didn't seem moved by that.

"250 three!"

Options? Accept his fater and belong to that woman for four hours. Or swallow his pride.

"And sol-"

"WAIT!!"

Lets be honest, how much pride could he still have? He was pimping himself, for crying out loud!

"What?"

He did not answer to Regina - there was no need. Blushing and trembling, he searched for the buttons on his jacket and let it slide through their holes. He should be doing it as fast as he could without even noticing - the women's noise was kinda making him dizzy - because Vivian asked him to do it slowly. Creaking his teeths, he obbeyed and, after 2 minutes undressing his jacket, he threw it to Vivian. Or threw it at Vivian would be more appropriated.

"Thank you, Jack." Regina giggled, and turned to face the buyers. "Now, do I hear 255?"

"260!"

"270!"

"275!"

"300!" Vivian yelled, raising her hand.

"300! I have 300 for Jack Malone. Do I hear 310? Do I? No? 300 one. 300 two. 300 three." She hammed the pulpit. "Sold for the lady in red for 300 dollars."

Jack jumped off the stage angerly and took his jacket from Vivian's hand.

"Thank you, Vivian!" he snapped, upset.

"Oh, no, thank you."

He sat back near Sam and Elena. "You, Spade, are going to pay for that!"

"C'mon, Agent Malone!" Eric said, nicely. "It's for the veterans."

"Yeah, well, not even for starving chil... who the heck are you?!" 


	5. Chapter 5

DANNY: That's what you get for laughing at someone's expense

While his mother was thanking the money with a few words, Martin found himself and Danny chocking with laughter. "Man, this was so worth the US$ 145,00."

"Think the girls got a good picture?"

"I dunno, but I saw your father holding up his cellphone. Guess he got a pretty good shot from where he is standing."

With some surprise, Martin saw Victor Fitzgerald a few steps away, chuckling as he stared at the cellphone's screen. The older man looked up and smiled: "What? I'll send you a copy."

"And our 19# bachelor, ladies, is a latin lover..." they heard Regina announce and Danny's smile faded away. "... he's a 33-year-old cuban that works for Mr. Malone in the MPU. Please welcome Special Agent Danny Taylor!"

Martin patted Danny's shoulder. "Ok, latin lover, is your turn."

Danny sighed and placed himself behind the curtain. He took a deep breath. "You know what? It's cool, I'll enjoy this."

"That's right." Victor said, nicely, coming closer. "See, Martin? He decided to have fun, because it's for charity and it can match you with a lovely young lady."

"And!" Danny added. "There's only Sam left to buy us for pitty, and I'm hotter then you."

Victor could jump and hold Martin down before he bursted on stage to kill his friend.

Now, Danny wouldn't allow himself to be sold for less then Jack, therefore he stepped in smiling as charming as possible, swinging his body in a very confident way that made a few women around raise their eyebrows with interest and Jack grumble: "Show off..."

"Is someone jealous?" Sam sang, with an annoying baby voice.

"Of Danny? Oh, please! Why should I?"

Vivian couldn't help but answer: "He's hot, he's younger, he's charming. You can pick."

Jack gave her a killing look and turned his attention to the stage, where Regina was reading Danny's file. "This young man - the younger in our auction, in fact - enjoys cuban music and he cooks."

"So does Jack!!"

"Did I do something to you, Johnson?!"

Danny laughed at his boss and Regina had to add: "... and he has a beautiful laughter. I'll start it with a... 60."

"WHAT?!" Out of pitty, Sam held Jack down so he wouldn't make an even bigger fool of himself by jumping off his chair. Her boss snapped in a whisper: "That's not fair! Just because he's a baby doesn't mean..."

"Are you listening to yoursef, Jack? 70!"

"70 for the blonde lady in black."

"90!"

"100!"

Danny kept looking at those women, trying to find a cute one, about his age, while praying in silence. "Oh, God, please, please, please! Help me to get out of here with a hottie and I'll be a whole lot nicer to Martin!... at least for the next week." Indeed, there was a few pretty young ladies around the room, and they seemed interested in outbid, whispering between themselves, waiting for a good oportunity.

Meanwhile, the ladies in the back were raising the money. 120... 140... 170... And Jack was feeling himself getting depress really quickly. Danny could see his boss' face stiring as he watched. It was a funny thing to see, so Danny decided to tease, giving Regina more informations bout himself.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald, did I meantion I dance, too?"

"He dances ladies!"

"200!" yelled one of the trophy ex-wives.

Corine Robertson outbid immetiately: "250!" And, oh, no, there was no way those mid 50's recently divorced into money bachelorettes were going to let that old bitch Robertson get that hottie and enjoy him all by herself just to hear her boast of him for the next whole month.

"270!"

"290!"

"320!"

Danny gave Jack a suggestive look and Jack told him to do something he wouldn't yell among those ladies, but his lips formed the two words very clearly. Danny did not care. When you worth 320 bucks in 3 minutes, you can afford being arrogant.

"C'mon, ladies! He's sliping through your fingers."

Sam smiled. "Ok, US$ 350,00!!"

"WHAT?!" and someone started to fumble the curtain, trying to find a way to get on stage and probably go for Sam's throat. Gladly, someone else seemed to catch him and drag him away, because that firsth guy started to yell: "LET ME GO! LET ME GO! SHE'S GIVING AWAY MY MONEY!!"

As soon as everything was quiet again, Regina laughed nervously. "See? That's why ex-husbands are not allowed!" A few women nodded along. I mean, c'mon! You make the sacrifice of sleeping with an old man through the years, paciently waiting as he insists on living year, after year, after year, and then you leave him bravely so he can marry his hot sluty secretary and he still believes he has power over his former money? That's so unfair!

Elena leaned over Sam. "Will you actually buy him?"

"No, I just wanted to see if I could make Martin burst into stage."

They chuckled as Danny heard the girls outbiding. He was already worthing 410 dollars by now. Jack sank on his chair and watched with an upset face. "I am one smirk away to yell he's an alcoholic. I mean, what does he has and I don't?"

"Well..."

"LET THIS ONE BE, VIVIAN!"

"I have 450 for Corine Robertson. Do I hear 460?" Regina looked around and one of the younger girls stand up.

"470!"

Her friend also stood up. "500!"

"500! Not bad at all, Agent Taylor." Danny smirked. Sam covered Jack's hand with her hand so he wouldn't say something he'd regret later. "Do I hear 510? No?"

"I also love kids. And I'm good with them."

"Heard that, ladies? He looooves kid-"

"600!!"

Danny searched for his possible buyer and liked what he saw. Red hair mid 30's petit with a beautiful body and a tight dress. "Thank you, lord!"

"600? Wow, ladies, this bachelor is really worthing a lot, isn't he? Do I hear 610? Do I? It's 600 one!"

Danny sighed, happy, giving that beautiful woman his most adorable smile.

"600 two!"

And, just for kicks, he found Jack with his eyes for a second, wanting to give him mocking eyes before walking towards his date. The boss was just turning - probably from trying to see who bought him - and something inside his eyes made Danny shiver. Jack seemed pretty satisfied with what he just saw back there.

"600 three...!"

"700!"

Snapping his head up, Danny tried to find the owner of that voice - that not at all 'young hottie' voice. The only one standing up in the room was... Audrey Lawson.

Jack chuckled and Sam asked: "Wasn't she on stage before...?"

"Oh, yeah!"

"I have 700 from my good friend and organizer of this event, Audrey Lawson. Do I hear..."

"750!!" Audrey offered, loud and waving the money up, before the mid 30's could make their moves. Those young girls could have anything they wanted! That catch belonged to her.

Danny found the red hair girl who outbid for 600 and almost bought him. Regina did the same and asked: "Do I hear 760?"

The other woman thought for a second and looked at Audrey. Her eyes said clearly she could try, but Audrey could outbid whatever she offered. Therefore, the red hair just looked at the auctioneer and shook her head, resign, and sat down. Danny almost screamed in panic.

"And it's 750 one! 750 two! 750...!"

Danny stepped closer to the auctioneer. "Tell them I'm an alcoholic."

Regina covered her microphone in time. "What?"

"Alcoholic! I'm an alcoholic!"

"Oww..." she considered. "Are you sober for how long?"

Danny didn't have to do the math for long. "Ten years, two months and 5 days."

"Then ethic won't be an issue." she hammed the pulpit. "SOLD TO AUDREY LAWSON!"

The girls couldn't help but laugh out loud as Danny walked out stage, towards his buyer, as if he was walking to the executioner. Jack took a sip from his drink - the sweetest drink in the best party ever. But before, he toasted, raising up his glass and looking at his agent. "To you, baby hottie." 


	6. Chapter 6

SAM: Blonde has proud, blonde has hopes

"That was funny." Vivian nodded to agree with Jack. "I bet Martin is enjoing this moment as much as I am."

"Well, let him enjoy while he can. He's next." Elena said, watching Eric get her a drink in the other side of the room.

"Wanna make a bet? How much money they'll pay for Martin?"

"Oh, Jack, he won't worth more then Danny." Sam said, unsure. "He's pretty cute, but none would be desperate enough to pay more then 700 dollars to have dinner with a total stranger..."

"Sam..."

"Sorry, Elena." she apoligised quickly, before going on. "All I'm saying is that, ok, Danny got pretty high outbids, but they're just about the same level of cuteness."

"I don't know" Elena considered. "Martin's really cute. Not as cute as my buying..." she smiled proudly "... but that woman just paid 700 for Danny, and these people are probably xenophobics. And even Demi Moore over there..." she pointed to Jack, who frowned "... got himself sold for 300. I wouldn't be surprised if Martin got really expensive."

"Wow, Elena, stop right there." Sam raised her hand. "Are you saying he can worth more then 700?"

"It's possible" Vivian agreed. "I mean, just think about that: if you had no history together and you were just a single desperate woman looking for a hot, young and wealthy man to buy..."

"Vivian!" Elena pointed to Eric, offended.

"Sorry, Elena. But wouldn't you buy him?"

Sam shook her head. "Oh, please, I'd never get to this point of despair..."

"Aren't you two just lovely girlfriends?!"

Jack watched the girls bickering with some satisfaction for not being in the middle of that.

"I have only 800 dollars with me." Sam explained.

"Then why didn't you buy Danny?" Vivian asked.

"I'm suppose to buy Martin. I came only to save his ass. He's going to kill me if I don't!"

"Maybe they take checks."

"They don't. And even if they did, I have bills to pay." Sam thought for a second. "How much money do you have?"

"I have nothing. I'm desperate enough to buy a man, you forgot?" she said, bitterly.

"Viv?"

"Don't look at me! I just got myself a midlife stripper."

"Jack?"

"I'm a midlife stripper! How much money do you think I make?"

Sam sunk her head on her hands, aparently praying none would offer more then she could outbid. A chuckle made her snap her head up. She stared at Elena. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing."

"No, you're laughing, you must think something is funny."

"You don't wanna hear it."

"I do. Now I do. C'mon."

Carefully, Elena considered that Sam wouldn't like what she was about to say. Still, she chose the words: "Well, isn't it possible that you're just scared Martin will end up with a hot young wealthy lady who'll take him out for dinner and then give him a lot of babies?"

Sam snapped her lips. "Oh, please! You're being ridiculous! Me and Martin: over. So over."

"Well, you don't have to like it. I mean, he dumped you, right?"

"What?! No! We agreed we were not working and we ended it. Like that - nicely and friendly."

"Still, you dont have to like it." Elena said, wisely.

"You know" Vivian frowned "this makes sense."

"Don't encourage her!"

"Just think about it. You were really cute together. He dumped you..."

"He did not dump me!" she tried, upset.

"... and now he's needing you. You can save him and he'll be so glad you were here for him."

"VIV!" Sam yelled, turning a few heads. "He did not dump me, and I am ok with me and Martin, ok? I'm cool, I'm supercool with that! But I made a promisse and I'm going to keep it."

"If you have to believe in this."

"Oh, the female world!" Jack smiled, watching. "It's so fascinating."

"Oh, shut up, Demi!" 


	7. Chapter 7

MARTIN: It's hard out there for a hottie

NOTE: I'm really sorry for the extreme softness of this chapter; being a brazilian, I had a lot of influence from bad Soup-Operas, forgive myself - it's bad taste, cliche cuteness, but it's still cuteness

Although Jack and Danny's auction and complete humilliation made Martin feel better about his fate, he could stil feel his beartbeat getting faster and faster as his mother ended her thanks to Audrey Lawson. Sam'd probably wait for him to get expensive before outbiding. How much money would she have with her? "Man, I should've wear the bad suit for tonight" he mumbled, lost in thoughts. His father turned to face him.

"What did you say?"

"I said I cannot believe I let you get me into it! You are so going to a bad retirement home when you get senile!"

"Oh, quit being so dramatic!" Victor snapped. "It's only a dinner with a woman. Besides, most of these women you known for years."

Slowly, Martin turned to face his father. He probably misheard that. "I'm sorry: I know this women?"

Victor sighed, his son could be so distracted sometimes. "Of course! Most of them are from our Country Club. Your mother bought them here just for the auction."

"You mean-you mean..." he stammed, things finally making sense inside his head. "... they are like... daughters of my mother's friends, that's it?"

"Some of them."

"Like the ones she tried to set me up many, many times when I was growing up?"

Victor understood were that conversation was going. "That's not a set up."

"Oh, please! It's mom!" Victor shushed him, but Martin was already speaking louder than appropriated. "She probably planned this to get me sold to one of these crazy ladies! And you knew! I bet you have your favorite already!"

"I surely did not!" he answred, offended and honest. "But if you have to be sold to someone, I'm hoping for Sarah Well, her father is congressman..."

"I'm out of here!"

His father grabbed his arm before he could walk away. "No! Martin, come back here! That's not a set up! That's not! Your mother worked so hard..."

"That's not working!"

"... it's for the veterans..."

"No way!"

"... and if you leave she'll find you and spot light you in the middle of those women!"

Martin stopped struggling immediately. God, he's father was right. "Then, what am I suppose to do?"

"Don't smile." As his son wrinkled his face, confused, Victor explained: "You have a beautiful smile, enough to make you really expensive."

"Well, you don't have to worry about that." he answered, grumpy. "Anymore tips? Cause if I do get expensive, my friend won't be able to buy me."

"Martin! That's cheating! That's not very nice!"

"Niether is patricide! Put I'm very open to it right now."

Victor frowned, impatiently, and was about to give a long speach about Martin's actitude when he heard his wife's voice. "And now, our last bachelor, and most precious iten of this auction."

"Oh, my! She's getting dramatic!" Martin moaned.

"He's also a Special Agent of the Missing Persons Unit, leaded by our dearest Jack Malone right there. He's 34, 6'00'', and came from a very good family."

"Oh, no, she's bringing in the family card! Now they'll think I'm wealthy!"

Victor raised his eyebrows: "But you are."

Martin knew they could argue about that, but decided not to only to hear his mother giving more and more information: "He could speak when he was only 8 months, and walk when he was 10. By the age of 4 he was reading..."

"Oh, God! Make her stop!" Martin said, shrinking.

"He's my baby, my youngest son: Martin Wallace Fitzgerald."

Victor started to push Martin on stage, taking advantage of his son's numb state. "Did she just middle named me in front of all these people? IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY?"

"Pretty much." and he gave Martin a final push.

"I hate my parents, I hate my parents!" but he could control his tongue in time when he landed on stage.

Lets just see... light was quite strong for a second, and then Martin's eyes got used to it and the female croud started to unblur. Lord! There was a lot of women staring at him in silence. No applauses? Well, his table started to, but once none tag along, they stopped quickly. Silence is a good thing, right? I mean, they probably just thought: 'Oh, ok, he's cute, but that's it. Lets give him 100 bucks and hit the dance floor now.'

"Ladies, please, lets welcome my baby."

"Quit calling me that!" he snapped, but none could hear. Firsth because he was whispering; secondly because the claps finally started, and they were loud as hell! And there were some whistles too! Martin felt he was going to faint, so he tried to focus on things that made him feel saffer. Sam, he searched for Sam, she could always make him calmer.

Firsth, she asked ' is your midle name really Wallace?' but then he frowned, and Sam just waved, trying to look secure, trying to make Martin relax a little - mostly because she was already thinking Wally'd walk away with an old skank.

"My baby has an Accountant Degree and several medals of honor from his boy scout days."

"MOM!"

"And he's a little shy..."

"Owwwwwwwwwww" he heard a few dozens of women sigh, already falling.

"Oh, please!" Danny said, grumply, being poked by Audrey.

"Be quiet, sugar, I wanna hear it."

Danny forced a sarcastic smile and puppy eyes, grinding his teeths. "Yes, honey, whatever you want!"

"He wants to have a lot of kids."

"Said who?" Martin asked, loudly.

"Don't you?"

"Yeah, one day, but-"

"He's open to reproduction! And these baby blue eyes are for real! He took those after me!"

There was a rumor around the room; meanwhile, Martin felt himself shrinking. Elena looked up to Sam. "He's so taken."

"My ass! 100!" She yelled, raising her hand. Before Elena's surprised look, she explained: "I'm just scaring the competition away."

"Hm-hm..." the other woman mumbled. "Well, you're pretty bad doing it, because you just made Martin expensive."

"Oh, please, I did not!"

"150!"

"200!"

"270!"

"See what I mean?" Elena said, with a quite arrogant voice.

Sam looked around. "I don't believe this! 300...!"

"400!"

Jack turned to face the young girls who just outbid. "Boy, Wally's surely got it."

Sam raised her hand again. "450!"

"450 for blonde lady in black dress. Boy, she's cute, baby."

"Quit calling me baby!" Martin said, louder then planned. "I'm a big man!"

A woman in the back yelled: "How much, hottie?" Sam hit the table with her head.

"I didn't... I didn't..." Martin stammed. He looked at his mother for support, but she was simply bitting her lips so she wouldn't laugh. Jack didn't even try to stop laughter from coming out of his mouth. Regina looked up a moment to late to prevent his son to blush: "I have 450. Do I hear 500?"

Martin looked down to find Sam. She was already raising her arm again: "Here!"

But the woman behind her did not waste her time: "550!"

"600!"

"650!"

"Are they blind or something?!" Danny said, loud enough for Jack to hear him and answer: "I see your point!"

"C'mon, ladies, he is a big boy, after all."

It was the sensual, low voice her mother used that made Martin yell: "MOTHER!"

"700!"

"765!"

"800!!" Sam yelled, as loud as possible. And, after that, everythings seemed to be quiet...

... until the unthinkable happenned: "900!!!"

Elena turned her head in disbelief. "Did Danny just outbid for Martin?"

"WHAAAAAAT?!" Sam turned. Danny was stading up with a desperate look inside his eyes.

"What? Is a bissexual thing?" Asked a male voice in the shadows. "930!!"

"950!!"

"980!!" Then Eric fell down on his chair quickly, hoping Elena haven't seen him jumping and yelling to outbid Martin. Elena just moaned: "Oh, man! All the cute ones!"

"No, gentlemen, that's not a bissexual thing, please, sit down. I have 800 dollars."

Sam sighed in relief.

"Do I hear 850?"

Silence. Wow, that was close enough. Now Martin was saved.

"Do I? What about 840?"

"950!"

"950 to Amy Trott, my dear. Do you think it's possible for us to make my baby worth a complete thousand?"

"Alright, that's it! I want your wallets right - now!!" Sam demended.

"Ok, ok!" Jack said. "But I have only 70 bucks with me. And I have to take a cab home."

"Danny will drive you. Viv?"

Martin watched Sam talking to the team, she was trying ot gather money, she was broke, he was so screwed! "C'mon, ladies! He can't cook, but he's, uhn... not affraid to cry in front of you." Martin wanted to yell again, but he was affraid he would, indeed, start to cry if he said something, so he just rubbed his eyes, praying he would wake up from that nightmare.

Viv checked her wallet "Sorry, after buying Jack, I got 50 left."

"Elena, please! Tell me you have money."

"MONEY? I have nothing!!" She snapped, angerly. "I just bought 'Queer Eye for the Straight Woman', for crying out loud!"

"Then return it!!"

"You can't return a human being!" Eric said, in shock.

"She's a consumer, she can return defective merchandise!!"

"Excuse me, Ms. Spade."

"WHAT THE HECK DO YOU WANT?!"

The waiter jumped away, he accidentally bumped into the man behind him, who poured champgne on a lady's dress - but it was a good thing, after all. She was thinking about offering a complete 1000 for that cute blushing guy, but instead she had to run to the bathroom to save her expensive clothes.

"And now..." Regina proceeded, trying to deviate attention from Sam's scandal to herself. "... now I still have 950 from lovely Amy Trott. Doesn't she seem sweet, Marty?" A lot of words crossed his mind when he took a look on Amy Trott, none of those got even near his definition of sweetness. "950 one. 950 two. 950 three..."

"920!!" Sam yelled, ignoring completely the waiter, who went to Jack for help.

Regina looked down on her. "I'm sorry, Ms..."

"Spade."

"Oh, yes, Ms. Spade" she smiled, remembering Martin mentioned her once, planed taking her to her nephew's marriage. "Ms. Spade, Ms. Trott here offerend 950, and, uhn, I'm pretty sure you know how an auction works."

A few women around laughed with disdain and spite. "I'm not done, Mrs. Fitzgerald." she said, ignoring the others.

"You are not?" Regina Fitzgerald asked, curiously.

"You are not?" Vivian repeated, fearing Sam'd make a fool of herself.

"No. I'm offering 920 dollars and..." she took a deep breath "... and all my love."

"Uhn, Sam?" Jack pushed her dress softly.

"Oh, please, Sam! This ain't no soup-opera!" Elena whispered.

Martin's head was up now, paying attention to Sam, facing her, his heart faster than during any other moment that night. Was she lying? Was that a bad trick to appeal Regin's romantic side? Well, if Martin could take his eyes away from her, he'd see it was working, because his mother was already looking for a tissue. "Oh, my dear, I-I... just one second." She dried her eyes with an elegant movement. "I think it's a lovely gesture, but..."

Sam relized that worked, all she had to do was push a little harder. "My love does not worth a thing for you, Mrs. Fitzgerald?" She asked, with a broken voice - and it was not hard to sound like that.

"Oh, honey..." She tried to find her son's eyes, but he found something better: Martin looking at Sam, stunned, surprised - hopeful? Oh, definitely. Regina smiled. "Well, well... I think the World does need love."

Sam sighed, smiling openly. And even Martin couldn't stop a smile, ignoring his father's advice.

"World needs love; we need a new roof!!" Yelled a veteran, in the back, and a few people agreed loudly enough for Regina to reconsider.

"I must say... they have a point, Ms. Spade."

Martin turned to his mother. "What? No! Please, mom!"

"Shush!" said Amy Trott from her sit. "Merchandise is not suppose to talk!"

"And now we all know why." Elena said, sharply looking at a blushing Eric.

"I still have Amy's 950, sorry, Ms. Spade, but this is still a charity event for the veterans. A thousand? Do I hear a thousand?"

Since Martin gave those women his beautiful smile, he became even more precious: "Here!"

"1050!" Amy offered.

"1050, I have 1050. Do I hear 1100?"

Regina took a look around. Sam did the same. None seemed willing to outbid that. She looked back to Martin, sliding back to her chair slowly, aware of her defeat. Martin was now smiling again, but sadly, as if Sam's speach actually meant a lot to him, the enough to ease his fate. He was just so disappointed he'd have to postpone their talk, their possible happiness a little longer.

"1050 one." Regina said, not at all excited as before. "1050 two..."

Jack stood up. "Ms. Spade offers a complete 1900!"

Sam looked up to him.

Regina's face wrinckled. "She does?"

"I do?"

"Yeah." Jack smiled.

She started to get up again. "Jack, I have only 920, I can't..."

He waved the envelope the waiter gave him in front of her eyes. It was filled with one hundred dollars bills.

"Ms. Spade?" Regina called, hopefully. "Do you have 1900?"

"I-I do!" she almost laughed, showing Regina the money. "I do! I offer 1900 dollars for Martin Wallace Fitzgerald!"

"Ms. Spade..." she hammed the table with satisfaction "I believe you just bought youself a bachelor. And Martin, if you don't marry this one, I'll kill you."

Maritn did not hear his mother's threat, being too busy jumping off stage and running to Sam's arms. Sam wanted to make a lot of questions, but she couldn't, she forgot everything inside his arms. There were no applauses, no angry or envy words from the other women, nothing, only silence and a few sobs from Regina's mouth as they held each other for a long momment.

"I love you!"

"I love you too, Wally!" 


	8. Chapter 8

MY OWNER: Money can't buy happiness... but it can help you get it if you want

"Well!" Elena sighed, sitting back. "I returned Eric."

"Good for you. Did they give your money back?" Jack asked.

"Nah. I could have these, though." And she showed her friends her new golden earings.

"Beautiful." Sam nodded, comfortable under Martin's arm. "But he really seemed to like you, Elena."

"Yeah, well, he could be bi or something like that, but once he thinks it's worth to spend money with a guy, he's no longer useful to moi."

"That's exactly what I thought!!"

"AAAARGH!" Elena jumped away as Dannys head came from under the table to her lap. "But instead of returning me when I outbid for Martin, she just said 'oh, I'm so glad you like to keep an open mind' and then she purred in a very creepy way..."

"What're you doing here?!"

"I'm hiding from my owner while she's in the bathroom."

Martin chuckled. "Look who's laughing now, uhn?"

Danny disappeared under the table just to reappear close enough to Martin tomake him jump on his chair: "Can't you just imagine yourself in my position for a second?"

"Please, don't mention the word 'position' when you're between my boyfriend's legs, Danny, you're allowing us so many jokes you'd only depress yourself even more." Sam said, nicely, and Martin laughed, kissing her forehead.

"Oh, get a room, you and Wally!" he disappeared and went now towards Jack. "Is Viv coming?"

"Yes, she's right there, and please, please get off me." he pushed Danny's head from his lap back under the table. They saw the younger agent leaving his safety and walking anxiously towards Vivian.

"So? SO?!"

"Calm down, honey. She's giving you up."

"Yes!!" Danny jumped with joy. "Yes!! I'm a free man again!! I love you!!" He kissed Vivian's cheek and the other agent laughed. "You're welcomed."

"What did you say for her to give up the latin lover?"

"Well, Wally, let me tell you." Vivian approached him. "Remember the 'Im a big man' thing?"

"Unfortunatelly, yes." Martin said, bitter.

"I said the oposite."

The truth took a while before hitting Danny. "YOU SAID WHAT?!"

"You can't have if both ways!"

"I don't believe you! Where's my fake lawyer? I want my fake divorce again!" and he walked away - to find the lawyer or to scape general mocking, we'd never know.

"New earings?" Vivian spoted.

Elena shrugged. "Yeah, more useful to me. I guess you pretty much lost your ride home."

"Nah, Danny always forgive me." Vivian said, already taking her purse. "But just so I won't take the risk of waking up tomorrow in pieces and floating by the Statue of Liberty, wanna share a cab?"

Elena sighed. "Well, we were dumped anyway, right?"

"We did not, we ended our relationships in a mutual agreement, nicely and friendly..."

"Bye, girls! See you monday!" Sam said, loud enough for Martin not to hear them as they walked away. She turned smiling. "So. I guess I'm your owner."

"You are, indeed." he smiled back.

"And you're mine for me to do whatever..."

"I'm still here!" Jack said, raising his hand.

Sam not even looked at him. "I don't know why."

The boss roled up his eyes, looking around for Danny to come back and make him company, but he wasn't anywhere at sight. However, someone else showed up to ease that momment.

Martin looked up when he felt a hand squeezing his shoulder loosely and found his father coming to take a seat beside him. "See, eerything turned out fine, son, as I told you so."

Martin did not stop smiling at that comment. "Unless the waiters felt sorry for me and gathered a large sum of tips to save my ass, I'm assuming you gave Sam money enough to buy me."

"Just something I saved to outbid for the boats."

The son wrinkled his face. "You get seasick at the sight of the ocean."

"I brought a thousand dollars, how badly do you think I want that thing? It's called support. You'll understand if you ever get married one day."

Martin squeezed Sam's hand in his softly. Oh, he was going to get marry one day, that's for sure. "Why did you help Sam to buy me?"

Victor nodded his head a few times, trying to find the words. "Well... I just realized you were right. It was not fair of us to ask you to sell your body to a bunch of desperate women. We are your parents, doesn't mean we own you. Besides, Ms. Spade's speach touched my romantic side."

"Oh, that's sweet." Sam said, in a soft voice.

"That's too sweet. What's the real reason?"

"What? Can't an old man have a heart?"

Martin gave him the 'are you kiddin' me' eyes.

"Martin! I just felt really bad! And I was trying to be nice to you, and-" oh, please! None was buying that! "Amy Trott's father's a senator for the democrat party." Victor gave up.

"Wow, for the firsth time in my life I'm actually thankful you're a republican."

Victor raised his glass of champagne. "Nicest thing you said to me tonight." He took a sip and pointed elegantly behind Martin's back. "You're mother s coming"

Martin did his best to look upset, although it was hard with Sam so close. "Ever wonder why I have to call my shrink everytime I meet you, mom?"

Regina did not seem to catch that. "Marty, I'm so proud! You helped those veterans so much..."

"Don't you Marty me, lady! I'll never do you another favor!" he said, not even looking at her.

"Oh, baby, you were so great up there." she proceeded, as if his son was smiling and thanking her the oportunity of being put on sale. "Thanks to you, the veterans will have a better home. Isn't he sweet, Victor?"

"Of course, my dear." he got up to help her with her chair. Trying to avvoy another fight, he asked: "Do you know Ms. Spade already?"

"I'm delighted to meet her." she shook her hand over the table. "Martin, you found yourself the most lovely lady I've ever seen."

"Thank you Mrs. Fitzgerald. You're very kind..."

"Oh, you can call me Regina. Are you coming for Christmas? Is she coming for Christmas?"

Sam laughed softly as Martin blushed once more and tried to fix his mother's rush. "Mom, take it easy, she just bought me."

"You're right, you're right, I'm sorry. Do you have children?"

"MOM!"

Jack chuckled. Even Sam could take that question easely. "No, I don't."

"Wanna have children one day...?"

"Look!" Martin said, trying to prevent Sam from running away. "Danny is coming back! DANNY! HURRY UP!"

"Oh, get lost..." he moaned, sadly, letting himself fall on a chair near Jack. "Girls already heard why Lawson gave me up."

"Agent Taylor! You too were great, and Jack..." Regina smiled. "That was..."

"Priceless" Victor grinned.

"Priceless, thank you, honey. Where's that lovely woman that bought you?"

"Right now going home to her husband." he explained. "It was more a charity thing then anything else."

"Good to know there's still people with heart in this world."

Remembering his little scene up stage, Jack thought Viv was everything, but warm hearted.

"What about you, Agent Taylor? Are you coming to dinner tomorrow?"

"Nah, I got dump."

"I am so sorry for you." He shrugged just to show it didn't mind. "You still have tickets for tomorrow night."

"I'll make sure Viv gets this..." he tried to take the tickets, but Sam was faster.

"Uh-uh. I will make sure Viv gets this."

"I'd offer you Audrey's, but she already found herself lovely Mr. O'Neil. What is a good thing, because he was so sad since he was returned."

Danny shrugged once more. "That's ok. Uhn, I just wanna clear up: when I tried to buy your son..."

"Agent Taylor, please! It's your money, you can do whatever you want with it."

"What? No!..."

"That's ok!" she insisted, smiling kindly as Jack and Martin laughed. "It was a good thing. I mean, did you see how many men were trying to buy you, Martin?"

"Oh, yeah, I saw that. It freaked me out for a moment."

"There was a lot!" she said. "So, since this auction was a huge success, I'm thinking maybe another one for african children. What do you think? But next time, I'll let men outbid as well. So, Martin, sweetheart, can I count on..."

"MY OWNER WANTS TO DANCE!" And he grabbed Sam's arm and dragged her to the dance floor.

Regina watched her son disappearing in front of her eyes and sighed. "Guess I won't count on him for much."

Victor covered his wife's hand with his. "Just give him a few months. He'll get over it."

"No, I mean look at them." And pointed to Martin and Sam, now trying to become invisible between the other couples. "They're so cute together."

Victor stared at the couple for a few seconds and shook his head. "She's indeed a pretty woman. And seems to make him happy."

"Yes, she does. And can you imagine her blond curls and his blue eyes in a pink baby face?"

With a smile, Jack and Danny turned to face their friends too. "You know what, Mrs. Fitzgerald? You are right." Danny agreed. "They'd have beautiful children."

"Yeah. Right before uncle Danny spoil them, right?" Jack laughed.

"Sure. With grandpa Jackie's help."

"Grandpa?" Jack turned to Danny. "Hey, I got myself sold for good money, hottie. Hope you know that!"

"Right now all I know is that you called me 'hottie' and that creeps me out."

"Hun, it does not change the fact that I'm worth a lot of cash. Does it, Regi-?" He shut once he noticed the Fitzgeralds looking at both of them. Bad sign. "What?"

"You're both still single." Regina said, slowly. "And you did get a pretty good money- I'm giving their names to Audrey." she got up and left before Danny could yell 'NO WAY' and Jack could even think of running away.

Victor did the same as his wife. "Thank you for all your support, guys."

Both of them waited in silence for a second.

"Think she's going to put a pole on stage and ask me to dance?"

"I'm just hoping she won't ask me to put a potato inside my pants after what Vivian said."

"We are killing Martin, right?"

"Oh, we are so killing him."

FIM 


End file.
